I don't think there's a more difficult task than to identify and learn from a turtle as a "type A" person. Most of the time, I would rather die than be still and chill…
The thought of slowing down and breathing, in and of itself, is not scary. It actually feels pretty good, as long as I can do it with EXCELLENCE! Most people like myself will power through everything, until they crash, one way or another. It's only wise to attempt to be more balanced and learn from experience, but if you've tried meditation of any kind, you might know that when you stop long enough, things can get ugly fast.
I've tried a few things in my days in order to address the chaos, both in and out of my mind, and wherever it has led me seemed to required huge effort and motivation. I've been to Church, zen practice, stayed home and read, listened and watched a gazillion tapes and videos. Whether in group or alone, led by a teacher, or not, at some point or another I have reached a major block.
SHIT GOT REAL!
It is said that those are the places where you grow most. I get that, and I am not afraid of hard work, but I do dislike conflict, unless I'm in charge and I can fix it. What I am terrified of, is to LET IT GO and LET IT BE.
I've been practicing hot yoga since last August. I think it's a perfect fit for me. Before finding Moksha, I dabbled in a couple intro classes in a studio, and online videos. There are so many wonderful approaches! I am feeling blessed with abundance in having access to all this wisdom, it's like going to University, but better.
I love learning, trying new things and MOVEMENT!
I was delighted to see that there are teachers from different backgrounds at Moksha. Each and everyone of them have a unique approach to yoga, and even though they all are trained for the specific Moksha series, they all bring a different flavour to this unique practice. I have met and practiced with a few that I will introduce to you.
Today was AIRLIE.
As I moved on my mat, working hard, sweaty and happy, Airlie was speaking about being kind to ourselves, perfection, sensations, and patience. There was so much she said I had heard and rejected before, but today was the right time. I found myself understanding some very basic principles, and seeing patterns within me. For instance, the tendency to push hard and excel, but to get frustrated and quit. I judge people who are slower in movement, and it brings up resentment and anger. Oh my god! Does it ever it challenge me! And of course, as the Universe would have it, I have been blessed with a husband and a child who are very opposite in temperament.
What kept me away from yoga for so long, was the cluster of women, what that represents for me, and the popular culture of yoga. Somehow, since I've decided to accept my own feminine nature, I have been more at peace with life and consequently found new friends who have led me to new experiences.
Today, I looked at what I have learned by training with men, in the military, sports, the gym or in martial arts dojos. There is often more emphasis on toughness, hard work, aggression, explosiveness, sharp bursts of energy, perfection, precision, mind blowing records in competition, speed, distance, height, resilience and of course power. I noticed how it is reflected in my whole being. Today, I see the beauty and benefit of grace, steady flow, ease, soft breath, prayerfulness, persistence, openness and patience. Airlie said something that was very powerful to me about it not being better of worse, but to give opportunity for new sensations.
I GOT THAT!
I understand how these qualities are possibly available in many activities, but I haven't given myself the chance to appreciate them. Some martial arts training for instance, are quite balanced, but I have yet to find a teacher who embraces the spiritual teachings and shares them with their students. As far as zen practice is concerned, the spiritual foundation is very strong, but the patriarcal setting is not a fit for me anymore I find sitting excruciating, so I kept on searching for something that makes my heart sing.
Today's class was the perfect experience for me, truly PERFECT!
Everything I heard was on point. I was able to listen not only because I was moving, but because I could relate and apply the knowledge immediately in my asana practice, and later in my daily living. Today I experienced perfection in WHAT IS...
NAMASTE
