Thursday, July 30, 2015


                So I'm feeling guilty.

My zen teacher told me once that we tend to have a GO TO emotion, and that we are more than likely have this response about things in our life. This is true for me. He also said that it didn't surprise him to see that a Catholic girl would feel guilt in reaction to many things.

I don't sit zazen anymore, for many reasons. One of them being that my body just doesn't bring me there. I know it's normal to make excuses, so I won't. The fact is, I don't know that it is the best practice for me at this time, regardless of what I think. I trust my intuition. I have loved being there, and I love the results, but there is something significantly off.

I was on my way to see my friend Lindsay last night, but her studio was closed. I continued on my journey to go and meet my husband. It's our fifth wedding anniversary next week, and I asked if we could try acroyoga at MokshaYoga. I am so stocked about it! (Apparently we don't stay stocked anymore say some teens, but hey, I said it, therefore it's cool…) Victoria's community is quite small, and I'm privileged in knowing quite a few people, so Jason and I will be taking a private lesson with our friends Katie and Brandon. Two hours of pure bliss. Well, I am not that naive really, it might be a little harder work than blissful. For the sake of honesty, this past year has been very difficult on my body. Since I've stopped training martial arts full time, I am hurting something crazy. After seeing some specialists, I have decided to follow advice and intuition, and start a new practice…

I was intending to go see Lindsay for therapeutic yoga. She just came back from some pretty amazing training and I know she's extremely good at what she does. I'm deeply interested in the experience she is acquiring. I love the journey she's on and I was keen on supporting both her and I by practicing with her. Somehow, my body said: "NO." Apparently that is not where I am going to be. I need to forgive myself for doing what I believe is in my highest and best. I know she loves me, and I know she would probably advise me about what to do and not to do if she was really worried about my choice; I would do the same for her. That being said: "Yuk!".

Yes, I still worry about what other people think of me, silly me… GUILTY!

It is with that thought that I make the first step within. I will inquire. I have many tools at my disposal. I know I will love hot yoga, I just KNOW it. I am such a fan of the heat it's not funny, and when it comes to yoga, I've cried practically every time I've done a class. It brings me to a place where I just feel deep gratitude and as though I have come home. So based on that, how can it be wrong for me? I know better than to push too hard, and I listened very closely when I was told about stretching in heated environments.

I thought it would be a good idea to start something before throwing myself on top of my husband as a flyer. Poor man, I am not the lightest of beings nowadays! But then again, neither is he. I want to explore a practice where we can have fun together and connect, doing something we're both good at. We both love dancing, no, I mean we LOVE dancing… In fact, it's one of the strongest thing we have in common. But as fun as it may be, I want to do something a little more spiritual and something to get our asses in shape. Dance can certainly be that, but it bring more the sexual self out of me than the sensual and spiritual. Acroyoga is a huge challenge that will require some adjustments in our lifestyle I think.

I've tried Kundalini Yoga at home and I really liked it at first, and then the pain became unbearable. I'm hoping that with experienced teachers, I can modify the poses and perhaps do things more effectively. I get a little discouraged with research when it comes to a topic I know nothing about, so taking a class sounds like a good choice for now. I like the idea that yoga is a solitary practice as opposed to martial arts. People get on my nerves pretty damn fast, so it's not a good idea to throw myself to the sharks.

Also, I realized recently that I feel overwhelmed with being in a self defence frame of mind all the time. I don't know how my husband does it, but I feel out of balance if I live there too long, so it's time to look at that. Maybe I'm more YIN than I thought, or maybe, I finally expressed it all and I'm ready to be at peace. Wouldn't that be something?!

So I plan on keeping a journal, and seeing/sharing what this practice brings. I know I don't like first times in a new place, but the front desk girl was nothing short of amazing and genuine, crap, she even loves working there. I don't like feeling vulnerable and scared, and I particularly do not like not knowing where shit is. I hate thinking I'm fat, I don't appreciate thinking I look foolish, I can't say I'm a big fan of not knowing sequences. Okay, it's time to practice being a white belt again. There are plenty of things I love, and I have everything I need to deal with my lovely mind who seems so eager to have me fail.

I'm ready to let you go EGO!

My first class is at 18:30
I'll probably be there super early
and breathing.

See you on the flip side!

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