I've been surprised at how internal and private my experience with yoga has been so far. I thought I was going to be more vocal about it. Somehow the opposite happened. My trial month is over, and I've only gone five times I believe; I obviously reached my goal not to be excessive! My body has been relieved from most of the pain I was struggling with before the first class, enough so that I can practically walk as long as I want to now, that's huge!
I read an article yesterday on how to take care of your mat, and the first paragraph really touched me. The author was referring to her mat as her second home. I stopped at the words: "I cried on it." I have certainly experienced this in earlier yoga classes and in martial arts. We often refer to the dojo mats as our second home. For many, it's their first home. Some people it's a zafu where they sit zazen, others a bike, a board. It's been interesting to notice how little I have wanted to go to Moksha considering the impact it has had on me, and as much as I trust my body to do what it must, I have to say I'm curious…
Today, I sense that I'm going to make my way there. My body is suffering from a long walk last night after I had an argument with my husband. The conflict was about family/inlaws, space, safety and healthy boundaries. As a counsellor, I am a little more involved in the psychological and emotional aspect of that topic, but he gets it. He's a highly experienced self defence instructor, he better get it! That being said, my reactions to triggers are a little more explosive than his, so I have had to be very mindful. We don't argue often. He's very easy going, and I'm a specialist in conflict resolution. I got LOADS of practice.
I've been a nomad all my life, but lately I seem to be nesting and wanting to create roots. I'm not sure if it's my age, or a phase, but I'm going with it. In the morning's stillness, I kept hearing the word TRANQUILITY, a concept I not only have been foreign to for many years, but one that seem extremely unappealing to me. I felt the residual effects of being out of sync with my lover and needing to stir the water.
I trust the process!
I feel overwhelmed though, and keep breathing into that placeI love how yoga keeps bringing the image of creating SPACE. I look at pictures of spotless environments and I miss it, I crave it. When I lived alone, my home was OCD clean and uncluttered. Now with a kid and a husband, I've had to let go of my anal ways to make space for peace. Not everyone appreciates this organization style and is willing to play along. So now I'm watching my own patterns unfold, and my mind having it's little freak outs about MY SPACE being invaded. I love spaces like zendos, yoga studios and some of the dojos I have practiced in where order, cleanliness and spaciousness are top priority. But it seems like if I really want to live in perfection, I will have to accept that I need to find it temporarily or by being in nature more often. To some degree, that brings me sadness. I keep thinking that I should be entitled to that in my own home without having to fight about it all the time. However, my little family is really harmonious in itself; our relating is very loving and peaceful in general, and that's worth something.
So, on the mat I go!
